The reflection for this week will be quite different than the usual. It will likely be more introspective and analytical than usual. Partly, because I did not record down the daily blessings for the week. But mostly, because it had just been a really different week altogether. I had been struggling at times to find the positive light to all of it. And trust me, there are, but it is a very hard thing to do when you're in the thick of it. Allow me to explain what happened. 

Bluntly put, it had not been a good week. Monday started off relatively fine as I explored more lunch food and drinks places with Khee Soon. But things took a nosedive when it came to work. The team had problems working on the upcoming release, and it basically blew up internally. Boss man was really mad, so he initiated scolding session after scolding session on us. It got pretty bad. I mean, the first 40-50% of the content actually made some sense and had some points for us to work on. 

But when he got emotional, boy did he blow up. He started to edge off from constructive feedback into criticisms and borderline personal attacks. I mean, I tried to take it in a positive light, but somethings he said and did really did hurt me. Like, he started questioning my skills and capabilities, and even went back to point out the stuff I wrote in my CV. He later pulled out my online assessment to show me too. Certainly the worst, was that he explicitly mentioned that he fired off my predecessor because he was unable to deliver. Something with heavy threat connotations, in my opinion. Not cool.

Believe me, I tried very hard to rationalize everything. To justify the situation. I felt like I should perhaps "put up" with it and see how it goes. I felt like I was being weak. But when I brought up the situation to my good friend Naimin, he was like straight up: "run". LOL. Looking back at it again, I think he might be right. No job is worth putting up with such constant barrages of psychological attacks. I think it is unhealthy for me in the long run, and I'd very much like to avoid a second case of a mental breakdown like what happen in years past. 

So I have intended to take my good friend's advice. Stay on for now, but keep open and actively looking for better opportunities. Because surely, there are much better places out there than what I am currently in. And for the record, your job should not be so tough and mentally draining. It's not healthy nor sustainable. So yeah, I am starting to update my CV, and will begin actively applying to better companies soon. Consider this a call for favor, but if you come across any good opportunities, please do send them my way. That would be very much appreciated! 

But yeah, that's the gist of all the reflections for the week. Unfortunately, it couldn't be as positive as usual, but it is what it is. I guess at the end of the day, it comes down to your sense of self worth. Like how much do I value myself, my health, and my overall well-being, versus how badly I want to stay on and learn and earn that paycheck. Is it even worth it if I can't enjoy the process and find a sense of fulfillment? I don't know. But what I say safely, is that I do not think it should be torturous. It can be tough, sure. Any learning journey will be tough. But it should never be unnecessarily torturing, when the pain endured no longer serves any meaningful purpose for growth.  

So that's all. Just need to watch out for toxic environments and gotta look out for yourself. There is a time and place for everything. While we should continually look on the bright side of life, we should also strive to find places where we can thrive and be happy. Because happiness is something we need to actively work towards. And this blog is all about that journey. Journey of Jubilation.